Six months ago, I started a blog sharing the unbelievable stories of our large Catholic family. (If you’re curious, check it out at crazyfamily.blog.)
Now I’m starting a new series: Crazy Business.
After 50+ years across corporate America, small business, real estate, consulting, and business brokerage, I’ve seen it all—backstabbing politics, corporate theater, ridiculous “best practices,” and management logic that makes you wonder how companies survive at all.
Each post will cover a few business themes that might hit a little too close to home for anyone who’s been around the block.
Let’s start with one of the most universal corporate failures: Meetings.
The Hidden Cost of Meetings
Meetings are the most expensive, least productive practice in business. They never show up on a profit-and-loss statement, but they waste more money than bad advertising and broken printers combined.
Dave Barry summed it up perfectly in his “16 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn” (immortalized on the wall at Jimmy John’s):
“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.”
No Random Seating
There is no such thing as random seating in a meeting.
The high-ranker sits at the head of the table, flanked by loyal lieutenants—each seat carefully calibrated to “brownie” level. These are long-term, hard-earned spots. It’s easier to get Packers season tickets than to take a brown-noser’s seat at the table.
At the far end are The Rebels—the ones who question everything:
“This new plan will never work.”
“We need more employees.”
“We deserve more time off.”
Somewhere in the middle sit the newbies, usually after being chastised for accidentally taking someone’s sacred chair.
The Staff Meeting
Here’s how your typical staff meeting begins:
- Few arrive on time.
- It never starts—or ends—on time.
- There’s no agenda.
- The leader strolls in late, apologizing for “an important call.”
Then comes the icebreaker:
“Let’s welcome our new employee. Everyone stand, introduce yourself, give a short overview of your background, how long you’ve been with the company, and your current role.”
Cue Ralph Hogan:
“Hi, I’m Ralph. I’ve been married to Jennifer for seven years; we have two kids—Ralphy, six, and Rachel, three. I’ve been with Acme for five years in customer service. This is a great place to work.”
(Translation: I hate my job. My boss drives me nuts. I’ve been turned down for promotion four times. Rachel was a ‘uh-oh,’ money’s tight, and our marriage is strained. Used up my free EAP counseling and now I’m watching therapy videos on YouTube.)
Next…
The Corporate Report
Here’s the latest from upstairs:
Sales and profits are down. We all need to “tighten our belts” so wealthy investors can squeeze out another five points of ROI and the C-suite can collect their multimillion-dollar bonuses.
The cost-cutting plan:
- Thermostat: no lower than 75° in summer, no higher than 65° in winter. If you’re cold or hot, adjust your wardrobe—but remember the dress code.
- Christmas party: spouses or significant others (not employees) can attend for $40 per plate in advance, or $48 at the door.
- Menu: goodbye beef tenderloin and lobster, hello flank steak and tuna casserole.
- No Christmas bonuses this year. But good news! Each employee will receive an 8-pound margarine-ball turkey from Walmart.
- Employees are now forbidden to park in the first two rows—reserved for management. And on your way to the lot six blocks away, admire the new stainless-steel enclosure being built for the CEO’s brand-new Mercedes 880 XYZ convertible, arriving today.
“Any questions?”
(Silence. Everyone just wants this waste of time to end.)
HR to the Rescue (Almost)
Then comes the dreaded line:
“I’ll now turn it over to HR for the mandatory quarterly Sexual Harassment PowerPoint presentation.”
Fortunately, the projector won’t work. A 911 page goes out for Hector, the AV tech—who, as luck would have it, is at the dentist for the rest of the day.
There is a God: the presentation is postponed.
That night, the guys buy Hector a beer.
Closing Thought
And that, my friends, is why the most productive business strategy isn’t another meeting—it’s taking Hector out for that beer.
Till we “meet” again.
Next up: The Sales Meeting.
You can’t make this stuff up! 